It gets too quiet too quickly. I find myself searching for a sound and when none is found I listen to the thoughts in my head. Running commentary about every encounter I‘ve had during the day. I tell myself that this is normal. Other people do this as well. I have to tell myself that or worry that those who deem me insane are correct.
I’ve spent my spare time while being sick trying to figure out how to take that step up. I’m grateful for my job, not happy with it. This makes me despise it. I love my job, I hate being at it. I’m over being a number. I’m not doing what I want to do I don’t know what that is so I keep pursuing random ass things and usually getting a door slammed in my face to tell me that’s not it. I keep trying, some things I try harder, make myself better. I feel like I’ve been making myself better yet I’m still unable to tell people what that means.
I had a customer call and yell at me the whole time. Wouldn’t stop long enough to let me assist them. Seven minutes into the conversation and he had not even told me what was wrong. He talked about who had upset him and why, and how much he hated the company now and then threats of how he was never going to deal with us again. I did my job. The whole time wishing I was doing something else.
I had another customer call in, after I finished helping them with the things it’s my job to help them with, I helped them with what they were doing because they needed it. They needed help with one of my strong points. Their thanks were immeasurable. They couldn’t believe how patient I was. I didn’t make them feel like an old fogey. It still makes me smile when I think about it. I will likely get in trouble for it. It’s not part of my job, I wasted company time.
This is how my dreams work.
Yesterday I decided I was going to write a screenplay. I get the idea of how to write them. I would need adjustments I’m sure. Perhaps I could get help from somewhere online. So, I need to find the screenplays. Also, I would need actors and a camera. Something that when I think about now, needs only to show that there is potential. It might not be so far off.
Last year, I entered a couple of grant opportunities, contests whatever you want to call them and I was rejected every time. I didn’t win, I didn’t get a helpful comment to improve, one I didn’t get told a damn thing. I would have felt better if they would have said this sucks. It took so long I thought maybe I had a chance and that’s why I hadn’t heard anything. No news is supposed to be good news. It was delayed no news. I haven't been able to get lost in writing a story since though. In my head are still a thousand stories. I think they feel safe there. I let out those and there was no celebration. They return to their little cubbies and sit. I wonder if my ideas are lame my words are wrong or what other reasons could they be. Was it the stupidest thing they ever read?
Writing a screenplay, cause in order to join a certain club I have to have a professional credit. I want in the club though. I may never have another credit, I need one though.
I have been rewriting my Oscar moment since I was seven. It’s one of my favorite fantasies. I keep waiting for the realistic this is it that will get me to it. My expectations of it are so far beyond realistic it’s not funny. I even say Wow sometimes. It’s the little boy from A Christmas Story seeing imagining his teacher reading the letter moment. It’s awful and never goes away. I’ve created brilliant things in my head. I try to make them tangible and nothing happens.
In my head, I start to dream about something and then realize the miracles it would take to get me there. The miracles don’t come so I start trying to work towards it and I’m stopped by my reality, from having to go to work and not being able to study something I want or that awful realization that it takes money I don’t have.
For instance, there are two different cohorts I would love to take, even with a scholarship to the cohorts, I have to have the time. The time that it requires is the time that I have to work to provide. I can’t go without the job, to take the class, I can’t get a job that would allow me to take the class without taking the class. Repeat. The scholarship doesn’t cover living expenses.
Or, I want to move forward with my idea for a non-profit. No one takes me seriously, because I don’t have my diploma. I can’t take the classes to finish my degree and add the credentials without the money for the tuition. To get the money I have to work. With everything else my money goes to, I can’t have the money to put towards tuition which means I work more. It never stops.
I want to start a business.
At the same time, I see these amazing people I want to learn from, want to work with be able to say I worked with this person or thing. I’ve been trying, I apply I even narrowed down what I was applying for to jobs I know I can do. I don’t express my skills properly. I keep getting rejected for the things I believe I want to do. I have the skill. Every time they don’t hire me I find myself trying harder. Improve my skills so I have something better to show. Sometimes I see who they do hire and then become obsessed with knowing what skills they have I lack in which makes me want to learn more things. Repeat.
The whole time I don’t know what the hell I am working for.
All these things when the music stops.
